tumblr feature predictions

tumblr advertises new HD 60fps animated reblog button, breaks making actual new posts

staff posts about the new optimized mobile client, which is super fast but can only view truncated text posts and post a new post type called “mobl” that is just a timestamp, your gps coordinates, and the contents of your wallet

new flexible-width dash design maintains 500px wide posts and just adds new columns if there’s room for them, and the columns all have alternating up-and-down infinite scrolling.  this feature only works in the IE11 beta, and if you are using a different browser there is now an animated popup asking you to switch

ratio of sponsored posts on your dash to posts from people you actually follow is now 9:1, and the sponsored posts are incompetently coded in such a way that every instance of the same ad downloads the set of animated gifs again with different filenames

tumblr staff apologizes for reports of tosh.0 sponsored ad’s flashing colors causing epileptic seizures, as a bandaid fix the ad is not removed but animated gifs no longer animate and are now grayscale sitewide

tumblr users whose birthdays indicate they are 18 or over must now manually opt out of sponsored ads for hardcore pornography, the first set of porn ads is from kink.com’s newest weirdly specific BDSM site

new dashboard theme changes the background color from eye-soothing desaturated blue to a shade of fluorescent purple known to damage expensive professional-grade IPS monitors

tumblr creative director accidentally tumbls a cell phone photo of himself defecating on a Twilight Sparkle plush, it receives over 40 thousand reblogs before he takes it down, and everyone who reblogged it is banned from the site

latest update requires you to make bing your default search engine in order to log in

yahoo sells tumblr to aol for a massive profit, aol board awakens from hawaiian drinking binge to discover they’ve done this, and petition congress for a bailout.  congress refuses but arianna huffington has some revolutionary monetization ideas

2016: tumblr users are responsible for 90% of the world’s journalism by volume, are paid in a form of site-only currency points called “exposure” which they can use, along with a real money fee, to make their posts more visible

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